I can text with my tongue
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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