yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
