He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
