hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I look better un-naked...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
