i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
