you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
