I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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