I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
