She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
