I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
