maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
