Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
