So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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