sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize