I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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