Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
