I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I want a musical about memes.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
