the condom got lost in my hair
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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