I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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