I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We need to get me chipped asap
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
