She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
