Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
