Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She bit a glass in half.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
