If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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