i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
