thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
