Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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