so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
