He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
