i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
