A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
