took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
