I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
