so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
