You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
