3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
