I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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