Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
