I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
