Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
