I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
