The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
