im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
