you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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