i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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