i just wanna soil my oats bro
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
