Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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