An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
