why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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