Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
