Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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