Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
