can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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