When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
